Discovering who I am...the road back to me...

I think it takes half a life time to really know who you want to be.  Some are lucky enough to know early in their lives and others spend a lifetime searching. I knew very early that I wanted to get married, have children and bring up my family and have spent the last 24 years doing just that, and very happily.

As those years rushed by at incredible speed I really didnt stop to wonder what would come after that. I imagined that I would have both my children living with us until they were about 24/25.  I had not expected to say goodbye to my beautiful Melly so early but in saying that also knew that our move was not somewhere she wanted to follow at her stage of life. Even though we dreamed of it all along, I dont think either of us believed it would happen until circumstances led us to this very spot. I know in my heart that my story still has another few chapters in it, of which I am yet to discover and create...

Growing up as a young girl I was always described as 'creative' and I loved art, writing and anything colourful. After I left school I worked in libraries for much of the next 15 years as I had a deep love of books as well as writing and my aspirations at the time was to become a librarian.  I was able to use my creative streak throughout this period as I worked with children as a 'Children's library officer' so I spent years up ladders hanging things I had made, painting children's book illustrations on windows and generally having the time of my life,  When my own children came along we spent many an hour reading wonderful children's books, drawing, painting & arts and crafts. I have very vivid memories of myself singing The Wiggles 'Rockabye your bear' at our nightime children's storytimes which grew to be about 60 children at each event and was very apt at organising games such as "Pin the horn on the stegosaurus."

So lately I have been wondering...whatever happened to that creative girl?  I know she is still with me, I just haven't had much time for her over the past two decades.

It seems to me that somehow I traded my freedom/creative spirit for money. I am currently in a job which I do not use this creative side, but I get paid well which has a lot to do with why I am still there. I recognise that this can be a dangerous thing but I also know that my family would not be where we are without it. I need to learn what I can do to make it less of a burden on me emotionally and believe I am in the right place right now to establish ourselves so that we can live 'the dream'  we have created for our future.

I do know, however that one area has ignited my passion again and that is investing in realestate. I am heading to Sydney at the end of this year to take part in a rennovations workshop held by Cherie Barber, Australia's renovation queen. I hope to learn some tricks of the trade to enable me to pursue this passion more seriously.

 There are lots of things I want to do with my beach retreat, all of which cost money. My dilema in finding local work, I know will come with a pay cut and I hear you say that money is not everything but right now, after this move, it will help to settle us back into a good financial position and I can renovate the house while still commuting. I have had a look around at the job options closer to home and unless I decide to complete my degree and move up to a supervisory role (of which I definately do not want in this stage of my life), I will have to cut salary.  With this in mind, I need to have certain things around the house done otherwise you end up never doing them and I have already lived in a house half renovated, this time I plan to finish.

I definately know in my future I want the freedom and finances to do what I want, and not be tied down to a job in exchange for money.  I want to invest in realestate and write and paint and travel to beautiful parts of our world before my time is up.  I want to be an 'author' - 'there's no money in that' my son told me yesterday.  It made me wonder just how many of us give up our dreams because someone tells you its not a good idea. I know for a fact that we wouldnt be living here in our beautiful cottage if we had listened to those who said it wasnt possible.

With this in the forefront of my mind,  I have decided to try a little experiment and set some goals in place that will eventually lead my road back to 'me' One thing I am embarking on soon is the 8 week challenge of giving up sugar through Sarah Wilson's 'I quit sugar program'.  You can buy Sarah's books on my blog if you think you would like to try some sugar free cooking.  Those who know me well know I have a sweet tooth and l am addicted to sugar so this is one of the goals I have set for myself to become sugar free and begin to live a lot healthier. It ties in with my yearning to slow down and get myself healthy through regular yoga and meditation. The 8 week challenge begins this month on the 26th August so now I have committed to it in writing I am accountable to succeeding as I have tried this before and fallen back on the sweets again and I am really determined to help Matt beat his chronic fatigue and that means better eating for all of us.

I kindly remind myself that you cannot make strategic moves such as we have recently done without being a bit stretched for a while so I need to accept this first and know that for the foreseeable future I still need my job to spend the time getting to a space where I can comfortably drop salary.

 I need to look at my place of work as a blessing, a way to get back on track, this will create a positive vibe each day as I head out the door. Then I can look closer to home for a job perhaps which is only 4 days a week (one of my many goals is to eventually work part time). For now I know I must remain grateful that I have a good job and work with good people.  One of my favourite motivational authors, Louise Hay tells us that when we wish to move on from relationships or a job or be in a different place, be grateful and feel blessed by where you are, it is this action which will help you to move to where you wish to be.  So I am going to stop the grumblings that go on in my head at 5.10 each morning, feel blessed that I have a good job to go to each day which is paying my mortgage and all the lovely things that I wish for.

Later on, in the not too distant future I will have the feedom to slow down and live how I have always wanted, I need to accept that I am not quite there yet but heading there, and its then in that space and time my creative side will be able to shine once again, I will be able to write more, create more, paint and cook more, take up new hobbies such as photography yoga and meditation & learn to live a healthy clean life...now that sounds more like the 'me' I know...