Discovering who I am...the road back to me...

I think it takes half a life time to really know who you want to be.  Some are lucky enough to know early in their lives and others spend a lifetime searching. I knew very early that I wanted to get married, have children and bring up my family and have spent the last 24 years doing just that, and very happily.

As those years rushed by at incredible speed I really didnt stop to wonder what would come after that. I imagined that I would have both my children living with us until they were about 24/25.  I had not expected to say goodbye to my beautiful Melly so early but in saying that also knew that our move was not somewhere she wanted to follow at her stage of life. Even though we dreamed of it all along, I dont think either of us believed it would happen until circumstances led us to this very spot. I know in my heart that my story still has another few chapters in it, of which I am yet to discover and create...

Growing up as a young girl I was always described as 'creative' and I loved art, writing and anything colourful. After I left school I worked in libraries for much of the next 15 years as I had a deep love of books as well as writing and my aspirations at the time was to become a librarian.  I was able to use my creative streak throughout this period as I worked with children as a 'Children's library officer' so I spent years up ladders hanging things I had made, painting children's book illustrations on windows and generally having the time of my life,  When my own children came along we spent many an hour reading wonderful children's books, drawing, painting & arts and crafts. I have very vivid memories of myself singing The Wiggles 'Rockabye your bear' at our nightime children's storytimes which grew to be about 60 children at each event and was very apt at organising games such as "Pin the horn on the stegosaurus."

So lately I have been wondering...whatever happened to that creative girl?  I know she is still with me, I just haven't had much time for her over the past two decades.

It seems to me that somehow I traded my freedom/creative spirit for money. I am currently in a job which I do not use this creative side, but I get paid well which has a lot to do with why I am still there. I recognise that this can be a dangerous thing but I also know that my family would not be where we are without it. I need to learn what I can do to make it less of a burden on me emotionally and believe I am in the right place right now to establish ourselves so that we can live 'the dream'  we have created for our future.

I do know, however that one area has ignited my passion again and that is investing in realestate. I am heading to Sydney at the end of this year to take part in a rennovations workshop held by Cherie Barber, Australia's renovation queen. I hope to learn some tricks of the trade to enable me to pursue this passion more seriously.

 There are lots of things I want to do with my beach retreat, all of which cost money. My dilema in finding local work, I know will come with a pay cut and I hear you say that money is not everything but right now, after this move, it will help to settle us back into a good financial position and I can renovate the house while still commuting. I have had a look around at the job options closer to home and unless I decide to complete my degree and move up to a supervisory role (of which I definately do not want in this stage of my life), I will have to cut salary.  With this in mind, I need to have certain things around the house done otherwise you end up never doing them and I have already lived in a house half renovated, this time I plan to finish.

I definately know in my future I want the freedom and finances to do what I want, and not be tied down to a job in exchange for money.  I want to invest in realestate and write and paint and travel to beautiful parts of our world before my time is up.  I want to be an 'author' - 'there's no money in that' my son told me yesterday.  It made me wonder just how many of us give up our dreams because someone tells you its not a good idea. I know for a fact that we wouldnt be living here in our beautiful cottage if we had listened to those who said it wasnt possible.

With this in the forefront of my mind,  I have decided to try a little experiment and set some goals in place that will eventually lead my road back to 'me' One thing I am embarking on soon is the 8 week challenge of giving up sugar through Sarah Wilson's 'I quit sugar program'.  You can buy Sarah's books on my blog if you think you would like to try some sugar free cooking.  Those who know me well know I have a sweet tooth and l am addicted to sugar so this is one of the goals I have set for myself to become sugar free and begin to live a lot healthier. It ties in with my yearning to slow down and get myself healthy through regular yoga and meditation. The 8 week challenge begins this month on the 26th August so now I have committed to it in writing I am accountable to succeeding as I have tried this before and fallen back on the sweets again and I am really determined to help Matt beat his chronic fatigue and that means better eating for all of us.

I kindly remind myself that you cannot make strategic moves such as we have recently done without being a bit stretched for a while so I need to accept this first and know that for the foreseeable future I still need my job to spend the time getting to a space where I can comfortably drop salary.

 I need to look at my place of work as a blessing, a way to get back on track, this will create a positive vibe each day as I head out the door. Then I can look closer to home for a job perhaps which is only 4 days a week (one of my many goals is to eventually work part time). For now I know I must remain grateful that I have a good job and work with good people.  One of my favourite motivational authors, Louise Hay tells us that when we wish to move on from relationships or a job or be in a different place, be grateful and feel blessed by where you are, it is this action which will help you to move to where you wish to be.  So I am going to stop the grumblings that go on in my head at 5.10 each morning, feel blessed that I have a good job to go to each day which is paying my mortgage and all the lovely things that I wish for.

Later on, in the not too distant future I will have the feedom to slow down and live how I have always wanted, I need to accept that I am not quite there yet but heading there, and its then in that space and time my creative side will be able to shine once again, I will be able to write more, create more, paint and cook more, take up new hobbies such as photography yoga and meditation & learn to live a healthy clean life...now that sounds more like the 'me' I know...

 

The Welcome Pack...

A lovely thing happened to us today which got me thinking of the people who come into our lives and touch us in ways where we never get the chance to thank them in person. Today I met someone who thanked me for helping them along their journey even though before today we had never met...

As we were lifting  out the bags of groceries from the car after shopping, a man in his late 60’s appeared walking his dog and hesitantly smiled at us as he passed,  then stopped when we noticed him and asked us if we were the owners of our property.

My first thought was that he must have been one of the neighbours in the street and thought its about time someone noticed that we were new and said hello as we have not met any of the neighbours yet.. Bill started telling our new companion that we had recently moved in after purchasing our home last year and had two lots of renters over the past 12 months, until we could come and live down here ourselves. The gentleman nodded as Bill told this story, and then said 'I know, I was the first renter of your property Chapman is my name" as he shook our hands.

After we properly introduced ourselves and discussed the house and beautiful area he went on his way, but not before thanking us for taking them in as renters as they had come down from N.S.W. without even seeing the property and quickly needed somewhere only for 6 months while they looked for their own place. At the time I knew we really required renters for 12 months but also believed that the universe had found these people for a reason and that I was not to worry when they bought their own place as sure enough there was another family who needed accomodation again just for 6 months which took us to the time we needed to relocate.

 I got the feeling that this man had been past our house before hoping to catch us out the front so he could thank us personally.  I knew that he and his wife had bought their house nearby, and we actually were laughing as we seemed to know a lot about each other for people who had never met. We thanked him for leaving the property sparkling clean and then he went on his way but not before thanking us for the 'Welcome pack' I had excitedly placed on the kitchen bench in anticipation for our first renters over a year ago.  At the time of preparing the house for rent I had carefuly sourced some local produce of gourmet goodies and a doggy bowl with treats for their elderly dog and was enjoying my new role of being a landlord for the first time.

I walked inside and thought most people do not get to meet the people who we anonymously make a difference in their life or who make a difference in ours. It made me think of our 2 Kenyan boys, Salim and Roy whom we are blessed to have been a part of their lives for the past 7 years.  'Our boys'  were 5 and 6 years old when we began sponsoring them through Compassion which makes them 12 and 13 years old now.  I am humbled each time I recieve a letter from them telling us what they are up to and how they are doing at school.  To hear of what a huge difference our small contribution makes in thier lives makes me smile and know that I am helping 2 families even though we will never get to meet them. I only hope as they get older and become adults that they will remember how they felt when they tried on their new shoes and shirts or were able to buy a goat for their family.  These gifts of love sent from the other side of the world for people who are in need make me feel very humbled that such a small price can give so much, just like my little welcome pack which obviously gave this man and his wife a reason to smile the day they walked into our house.

 

”People don’t always remember what you say

or even what you do,

but they always remember how you made them feel.”

– Maya Angelou.

I love the idea of 'Suspended coffees' a page I follow on facebook where people have paid anonymously for others to have a coffee on them, or to share stories where someone has paid for another stranger to have something which really helps them out and the price in return is to go and do the same for someone else.  Their mission statement says the aim of the page is  "to get people supporting each other again, to show compassion love, empathy. To show you we've all been there. To encourage you to keep going. To prove love exists. To get you through the day. To remind you to be strong. To celebrate you. To fight right along with you. And to remind you to be happy & live life!

This concept was first made popular in 2000 with the film starring Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt called "Pay it forward' - if you havent seen it, its a must see and it reminds us that there is always a way we can pay it forward.

My husband walked in the door last week after picking me up after work at the bus stop and was greeted with a big container of chicken soup from our daughter Bre as he has been home sick.  The smile on his face said it all, the simplest gestures of giving from the heart are felt for a long time and its definately one of the most lovliest gestures a human can do for another.

     

I have recently found a new quote which is quickly becoming another favourite and that is that 'We're all just walking each other home"  I like to remember that in the big picture of life we are all companions on the same journey just walking each other back home...

I had forgotten about that little welcome pack, but obviously Mr Chapman hadnt...